When Garth Brooks and I are Best Friends
we'll play our acoustic guitars together.
His will be a Martin. An expensive one.
Mine will be an eighty dollar Yamaha.
I'll like the sound of mind more because I'm used to it, but won't
say anything because Garth Brooks
spent a lot of money on his.
We'll jam.
Only, he won't call it jamming. He'll call it practice. He'll say
everything we do in life has a purpose, so
it's all leading towards something.
He'll say, 'Stop using bar chords. Play open notes. This isn't the
nineties.'
I'll ask, 'Aren't you from the nineties?'
He'll say, 'This isn't nineties' alternative.'
I'll ask, 'Like Hootie and the Blowfish?'
'Use open chords,' he'll repeat. 'Bar chords are for lazy people. If
you use bar chords then we can't be
best friends.'
'Okay, sorry,' I'll say. I want to stay Garth Brooks' best friend.
I'll move my hand into an open G and
strum. I'll smile. I'll still like the tone of my guitar more.
When Garth Brooks and I are best friends
I won't ever ask him why he gave birth to Chris Gaines.
The only Chris Gaines question I'll ask him is whether he regretted
the soul patch.
And how long did it take to grow it.
'A week,' he'll say.
'That's pretty standard,' I'll tell him.
'I know,' he'll say.
Garth Brooks will be a little embarrassed that I brought up Chris
Gaines.
I'll smile and try to reassure him that I don't judge him for that
time in his life.
Hopefully my sympathetic smile will put him at ease.
I'll apologize because I said the soul patch question was going to be
my only Chris Gaines question,
then I'll ask, 'How close was Chris Gaines' death to real death?'
Garth Brooks will make eye contact with me and smile.
It'll be a sad smile like he's trying to reassure me of something.
When Garth Brooks and I are best friends
he'll tell me “Friends in Low Places” is about the man in the
mirror.
'Michael Jackson?'
'No. I was trying to be symbolic.'
'Sorry.'
'That song is about me.'
'Is it still?'
'Now it's a reflection of the past.'
I'll try to stop myself, but I can't help but think that means he
answered in the affirmative.
Garth Brooks face will be shaved and he'll be wearing a cowboy hat.
Garth Brooks will sing under his breath and let an open D ring out on
his guitar.
It will sound nice. I'll still like the sound of my guitar more than
his expensive Martin, but I won't
tell him that.
