Learn to Swim Now Available

I'm a little behind on this, and for that I apologize, but my new book is out!

University of Hell Press did a stellar job.

You can purchase the book at any of the links below:

Powell's

Amazon

Barnes & Noble

The book looks great and is gorgeous. I love it and I hope you'll love it too. 

'Learn to Swim' Book Cover

Hello all!

My book coming out from University of Hell Press has a cover, and it is gorgeous!

I can't stop looking at it, nor do I want to.

The book will be out soon, and I will update the blog (with links) as soon as it becomes available.

When Garth Brooks and I are Best Friends

Originally published in Gap Tooth

When Garth Brooks and I are Best Friends

      we'll play our acoustic guitars together.

His will be a Martin. An expensive one.

Mine will be an eighty dollar Yamaha.

I'll like the sound of mind more because I'm used to it, but won't say anything because Garth Brooks

     spent a lot of money on his.

We'll jam.

Only, he won't call it jamming. He'll call it practice. He'll say everything we do in life has a purpose, so

    it's all leading towards something.

He'll say, 'Stop using bar chords. Play open notes. This isn't the nineties.'

I'll ask, 'Aren't you from the nineties?'

He'll say, 'This isn't nineties' alternative.'

I'll ask, 'Like Hootie and the Blowfish?'

'Use open chords,' he'll repeat. 'Bar chords are for lazy people. If you use bar chords then we can't be

    best friends.'

'Okay, sorry,' I'll say. I want to stay Garth Brooks' best friend. I'll move my hand into an open G and

    strum. I'll smile. I'll still like the tone of my guitar more.

When Garth Brooks and I are best friends

I won't ever ask him why he gave birth to Chris Gaines.

The only Chris Gaines question I'll ask him is whether he regretted the soul patch.

And how long did it take to grow it.

'A week,' he'll say.

'That's pretty standard,' I'll tell him.

'I know,' he'll say.

Garth Brooks will be a little embarrassed that I brought up Chris Gaines.

I'll smile and try to reassure him that I don't judge him for that time in his life.

Hopefully my sympathetic smile will put him at ease.

I'll apologize because I said the soul patch question was going to be my only Chris Gaines question,

    then I'll ask, 'How close was Chris Gaines' death to real death?'

Garth Brooks will make eye contact with me and smile.

It'll be a sad smile like he's trying to reassure me of something.

When Garth Brooks and I are best friends

    he'll tell me “Friends in Low Places” is about the man in the mirror.

'Michael Jackson?'

'No. I was trying to be symbolic.'

'Sorry.'

'That song is about me.'

'Is it still?'

'Now it's a reflection of the past.'

I'll try to stop myself, but I can't help but think that means he answered in the affirmative.

Garth Brooks face will be shaved and he'll be wearing a cowboy hat.

Garth Brooks will sing under his breath and let an open D ring out on his guitar.

It will sound nice. I'll still like the sound of my guitar more than his expensive Martin, but I won't

    tell him that.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Originally published in The Pacific NW Inlander on December 14th, 2011

It's hard to listen to mainstream music and pick out what our present-day sound is. The airwaves are all over the place. Sometimes you’ll come across a twangy acoustic guitar alongside a yowling folk singer — the kind of stuff that would seem natural on Pa’s porch way back when. Other times, a bouncing synth takes you on an electronic journey back to the days of hairspray and Spandex, when pop was the ruler of all. Mostly, the radio is overtaken with interpretations of the basics: loud guitars, angsty vocals — proving that alternative rock will never die.

The last major style to enter the realm of popular music was rap, and even that happened way back in the ’80s. Which leaves me wondering: Who will be the musical champions for our youth? In 30 years, what will be the sound that defines today?

Ifirst heard Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes on an episode of Community. I pictured them in an array of beards and hats. Their sound was so familiar — how, in my 24 years, had I never heard them before?

I picked some of the lyrics out and Googled them. This accordion-wielding band had just released their first album last year. And yet, somehow, it wasn’t a stretch to imagine them opening for Bob Dylan at a festival full of hippies, mud pits and folk musicians. I learned that they — along with Mumford and Sons and Two Gallants — are the vanguard of bringing the 1960s sound to today’s listener.

Back in the 1980s, Madonna made the older generations nervous. They couldn’t believe how popular this weirdo was getting, with her conical bras and counter-culture sass. But the world didn’t implode then, so I’m not sure why people continue to get nervous when someone like Lady Gaga comes around. Sure, Gaga is a talented singer and gets to wrap herself in meat dresses because she writes catchy pop music that sounds great in the club. But she isn’t the first to have an obscure fashion sense and get away with it because she’s a pop star.

Madonna emerged around the time that the Cars and Duran Duran were popular. They had an electronic sound that was distinctive to the ’80s, and it dictated the decade’s rock sound. MGMT has used the synth to their advantage in the same way, their rise to success based almost solely on their hit “Electric Feel” — a song that, for a summer, was the soundtrack to every commercial, movie and TV show. I couldn’t get away from their sound — and then I heard Of Montreal and STRFKR, who are also resurrecting the ’80s sounds.

The 1990s brought back a more basic sound. Keyboardists and tambourine-smackers were out. Bands like Nirvana, Oasis and Weezer reintroduced guitars, bass and drums to rock music. They blended screaming with pop, giving rock music a slight edge. And today, bands like Cage the Elephant are doing the quiet-to-loud dynamic, while Brits like the Arctic Monkeys and the Kooks are taking a cue from Oasis and Blur.

The last new style of music to break into the mainstream happened over 30 years ago, when the Sugarhill Gang released “Rapper’s Delight” in 1979. Soon, Run-D.M.C. and Biz Markie were on the radio. And then came N.W.A., whose gansta rap infused the genre with hostility and anger. They’ve influenced some of the more popular acts today, like Eminem, Kanye West and Jay-Z.

The latest twist in hip-hop is the “robot voice.” West used this effect on his 808s and Heartbreakalbum, filling 12 songs with dull auto-tuning instead of what he’s good at. I’m hoping this is a passing fad, like 3D movies, but there are two more Avatars coming out.

Internet technology has given us more access to music than ever before. I can listen to whatever song I desire at any time I choose. But as songs and styles repeat themselves, I find that, as a listener, I’m trying to differentiate between cheap knock-offs and groundbreaking acts.

In 30 years, we’ll either be seen as a generation of choice and variety, or one of indecision and short attention spans.

This May Have Been a Mistake

I didn't expect the wind to hurt this much.

Have you ever heard if you throw a penny off a skyscraper it could kill someone? I'd imagine wind resistance would play a key factor in the fatality percentage; otherwise rain would have the probability of instantaneous death.

Someone should make a graph: chances of death up the side; shape and weight of the object across the bottom. They'd need multiple scales to take weather into account. It could be more work than anyone would care to do.

Would humans be close to sacks of potatoes?

This may have been a mistake.


Originally published in The Pacific NW Inlander

Riverlit #17

I'm going to have a piece of flash fiction in the April issue of Riverlit!

I'm being proactive this time and posted a link to the pre-order page for Riverlit #17. I'm excited for the other pieces included. Thom Caraway has a killer poem in it. Fellow University of Hell Press author Lauren Gilmore will be in this issue as well. Leah Sottile, the writer in residence, will have a piece in this one, too.

It's $10.00 and you can pre-order it at Riverlit.com. They only print a few extras, so if you want a guaranteed copy, this is the best way to do it. Thanks, everyone!